stand up

so you want to hear W pickup line Facebook you walk up to a chick at a bar and be like so I started my hormone replacement therapy she's going how is that going for you congratulations to which you respond with well my last girlfriend was a [ __ ] [ __ ] I knew how to make her moan and we broke up I couldn't take her [ __ ] so I I uh would like a Replacements and because of her psychotic [ __ ] I'm in therapy I tell you what no respect my girlfriend came out of was bisexual she said bye to me and started having sex with other guys you know me and my girlfriend we got a relationship is on the Rocks what's her name Jack e Daniels Jackie Daniels her parents were alcoholics that's okay she got to hot a younger sister named Martini so it'll all work out why did the church bell get cut off from sex his girlfriend says you would have put a ring on it mister otherwise she ain't touching his dingling you might be from Wyoming if if you've ever pissed on a rattlesnake while camping if you attach a nitrous oide tank to your RV camper trailer you might be from Wyoming hey Cletus watch this yeah Earl hold my beer I want to do evil con eval jumps in my RC camper you might be from Wyoming if you met your future ex-wife at the rodeo like welcome to Wyoming my pronouns are guns and beer and trucks you might be from Wyoming if you like to shoot guns and drink alcohol but not necessarily in that order yeah you might be from Wyoming if if you need a technis shot to drive your rusted out pickup truck yeah you might be from Wilding if your pickup truck has more lift on it than an 80-year-old woman with fake tits yeah you might be from Wyoming if you've ever stepped in horseshit and that's no [ __ ] you want to see [ __ ] go to a cow pasture you might be from Wyoming if you get drunk and try to fight a bear up a bear trap look at that Yogi Bear son of a [ __ ] trying to steal our [ __ ] camping Food Dude put down the milk can moonshine you've had too much dude huh for those of you who don't know milk can moonshine is an exclusive created in Wyoming it's a novelty moonshine and it tastes great with Mountain Dew yeah it's like yeah I caught my my girlfriend cheating on me with the model te in the garage needless to say she's a cranky [ __ ] now it's like why did the model te take a nap it was cranky oh God like what kind of car likes to drink beverages a model Twisted Tea don't drink and drrive of it people okay you know what the old bell ringer said to the new bell ringer you're new around here let me show you the ropes friendly night stand up with Josh [ __ ] you wish you had one of these this stuff will wet your whistle Firefly moonshine it's about 60.9% proof 69 giggity and it's Peach flavor I've had this jar for a couple days and I've just been ever so slowly sipping on it because it's got a burn to it one second smell like peaches and alcohol that peach flavor is phenomenal but then when it hits the back of your throat you're like oh that's got a burn to it and and then when it hits the bottom of your stomach that's a sipping sipping liquor and it's not real moonshine it's what you call novelty [Music] moonshine how do straight people walk into a gay bar straight out of the front door like Oh wrong bar you know why they call it menopause because men will put their [ __ ] on Paw to figure out what's wrong with their lady friend your wife comes out with a mustache thicker than Sam Elliots and you're like Jesus Christ you one of them trans people CNN's raving about she's like no [ __ ] I'm on menopause oh I'll still think you're beautiful I'll [ __ ] you [ __ ] and then your brother comes over and goes hey I didn't know your wife had a brother and then it's your wife the whole time you know it's like God damn it Cletus you know why they call it men's straight because men will head straight for the liquor cabinet oh she's on her monthly again I'm going to go straight to the bar hey Cletus you want a beer yeah yeah I do they call it men's straight because menal head straight to the store as soon as it happens like what are you doing picking up feminine prcts and Ben and Jerry's it's like what like yeah my girlfriend's on our period so we're going to cutle up on the couch with some boxed wine I want to cook her her favorite meal and we're going to binge watch Gilmore Girls yeah and you know as soon as you go home you're going to get yelled at for buying the wrong kind of feminine product and then she'll look at the ice cream and she'll Chuck it against the wall and be like I wanted strawberry cheesecake you [ __ ] [ __ ] you got me the wrong flavor of benen and Jerry's and then you got to clean up the ice cream mess and then take the pads back to the store and stand in customer support for an hour scratching your balls going and you can tell the kind of dude buying pads for his lady friend it's either a single dad or the dude's got a girlfriend and the conversation usually starts off with him in the aisle going look at all these options I got no idea what the hell I'm doing why the hell is she ain't she ain't here right now [ __ ] of course it's my week to watch the kid God damn and then she of course oh it's like oh look it starts off like that it's a single dad and it's his week to watch his daughter and she just got her first period oh joy the kind of crap you hear about in sitcoms versus I know as soon as I go home I'm going to get yelled at for buying the wrong kind yep he's buying it for his girlfriend at that point and I like Walmart they're very convenient it's like you sitting there buying pads for your daughter Redneck Word of the Day come boot you I'll come boot you out of my daughter's room if I catches catches in there like all the boys can smell the pheromones on her well [ __ ] it's like well [ __ ] it you go to the store to pick up some feminine products maybe your daughter's not feeling so hot so you pick up some some ice cream and cheer her up and then while you're there you're like [ __ ] I need something to scare the scare the boys away from her oh [ __ ] it SC the gun her and grab a shotgun and then you're sitting there going come to think of it I don't want to [ __ ] deal with her bitching at me all [ __ ] for the next couple of days I'm going to need some beer to deal with this and then when you go to get beer it's like well [ __ ] you know I could use a new pair of pants and it's like [ __ ] it we make a shopping trip out of it so Cletus gets his dick tattoo to look like an ear corn Earl says why'd you do that he says just wait he walks into farmer Jenkins cornfield and Pops about four VRA and slams a Red Bull and H farmer Jenkins Country Bumpkin daughter comes out 21 years old smoking hot [ __ ] piece of Sweet Country tail H you know the type well she's feeling a bit frisky so she start was having sex with the corn and about N9 months later her Daddy come out with the shotgun going who got you pregnant to which his country bumpkin daughter dumb as a box of rocks said the corn dead daddy cuz country girls make do I heard the Children of the Corn but this is ridiculous it's like welcome to Wyoming we got two seasons construction season and winter although the Wyoming winter this year has been pretty [ __ ] mild and I can't say I'm complaining no I'm not complaining at all Facebook in fact I'm like lovely oh I'll tell you why they call it men straight because men will head straight for the gun gun the gun cabinet where keep the gun and then they then they they pull one of these numbers no no no put the gun down and grab the bottle of Jack it's GNA be okay you think that's bad let me tell you something they hired me to do standup comedy at an anti-suicide convention really how'd that go I was so bad they told me to kill myself then I tried my luck at doing comedy at a funeral home how that go I knocked them dead they were stiff with laughter you know what the zombie got locked up in the mental Asylum he was a real casket case you know what you call a dead body with too many jobs a working stiff you could say he was working the graveyard shift