part three

up YouTube. So, part two, you saw me just frying up some bacon. And that bacon is just about done. I want to plate it into a bowl to let it settle. And then pour some of that grease into our cheese bowl. And by cheese bowl, I mean the bowl we're going to melt our cheese into for extra flavor. and just like drizzle on top of said sandwiches. Like I'm thinking overdrive when I got a [ __ ] wicked sick food hack coming in. I'm like boom, let's go. And the smell coming off of everything. I can smell the bacon waffling through my house. It smells exquisite. and crack open a tropical sprite. Pour a splash of that in there. Oh, let that settle cuz we're about to [ __ ] add and cook some fried spam. The thing about like when I fry up bacon or spam for a sandwich is I like to let it cool off so I don't burn my fingers or burn my mouth when I add to it, you know? Cheers. And like nothing just screams American like adding fried spam and bacon to a breakfast sandwich. And like right now I'm smelling all the bacon coming through everything. I'm just like, "Oh, that needs to be flipped." One second. Well, that's just my [ __ ] luck. Of course, I burned the [ __ ] bacon. I burnt the bacon. So, I put that in a pan to cool off. God damn it. It's not how I like my bacon. So, the bacon is a little burnt and I made it extra crispy because I'm a useless [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] who doesn't deserve to be alive. But that's okay. We're going to finish this food hack. I mean, it is still bacon at the end of the day, so [ __ ] useless. YouTube, I didn't mean to cook it that [ __ ] long. And everyone can give me [ __ ] for it. I don't care. I deserve it. I don't deserve to be alive, but you know, it's all good. I was so enthusiastic, so enthusiastic to make this food hack that literally, you know what I'm saying? This is the kind of crap my fans and YouTube trolls live for. Watching me [ __ ] up. Just just looking call me a stupid [ __ ] Like Cobra, you belong in a group home. You can't cook with a [ __ ] Anyways, happens to the best of us. I want to splash some country clock in there and not a fun. Then I want to throw the spam slices into that greasy goodness. And then of course I dropped the [ __ ] butter container. Well, I'm glad I didn't spill any of it. [ __ ] useless piece of [ __ ] that I am. just because I already know for a [ __ ] fact that I burnt the [ __ ] out of the bacon. This [ __ ] food hack is already going to taste like [ __ ] So if you want to see how I make the rest of it, drop that slice in there. Then help yourself. Like I already know for a fact I already ruined the food hack cuz I burnt the [ __ ] out of the bacon. Trying to be all flashy on YouTube and I'm like whatever. Let's put the spam on that greasy goodness. Put that back on the stove. like I know some people like their bacon a little extra crispy. That's just not how I roll. I'm all dancing back and forth between the camera here and part one and part two and part three. And I brought the [ __ ] out of the bacon. And I'm like, you know, might as well [ __ ] use it up and just own it because that's your mistake and that's part of cooking. You useless sack of [ __ ] You stupid [ __ ] [ __ ] Stupid [ __ ] Ugly ass [ __ ] [ __ ] That's what you are, Cobra. You're an ugly stupid ass [ __ ] Like, nice going, stupid. You burnt the bacon. I'm getting all excited for my next recipe. Like, yeah. And I'm like, I'm not going to sit there and recook four more little miniature pieces on top of it. I'm like, nope. Own your mistake. The bacon's cooked. Cook up the spam. Try not to burn the spam if you can [ __ ] help it, you stupid [ __ ] Stupid [ __ ] ugly [ __ ] [ __ ] You stupid alcoholic. [ __ ] Aussie ripoff. A [ __ ] [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] Let's see if you can cook the spam without burning it. This will be a [ __ ] You want to make it a challenge? Let's add re [ __ ] juice to the al to the to the equation. I had an amazing comment. I had an amazing com like concept. Little bit of [ __ ] flat, a little bit of bacon as the Americans call it. And like, you know, I know what a lot of people are going to do. They'll watch this video and cry and go, "Dude, stop being so hard on yourself. All you're doing is trying to entertain your fans with dank food hacks. You burn the bacon. It happens to the best of us." But you know what? [ __ ] off. I appreciate the support, but like all this pressure to like not [ __ ] up and like make something that looks delicious and appealing. And like I already [ __ ] know the food hack's going to suffer because the bacon's too burned. I overcooked the bacon. Fantastic. Normally when I cook bacon, it's a little bit chewy and it's a little bit crispy. You know, you flip it. It's not burnt as [ __ ] but it's fully cooked on both sides and it's got like a little bit of crispy on the edges. That's just my take on it on how to make. Of course, after that [ __ ] fiasco, I'm not going to be sitting here giving anybody advice on how to properly cook bacon. Like, dude, I want to [ __ ] cry. I'm sitting here trying to and my problems could be worse, but like, dude, it makes me feel self-conscious. Like, here's the humanizing aspect of it. Like, oh great, Cobra sitting here making a stupid ass [ __ ] cooking video, food hack. Oh, this will be amazing. Let's watch him [ __ ] butcher the [ __ ] out of a goddamn Sausage, egg, and Jimmy Dean croissant sandwich and like, you know, I'm very self-conscious about myself and like I get major anxiety when I don't do do things perfect perfectionally. Like if I say things or like I spell things a certain a certain way, you know, [ __ ] I know everyone's going to give me [ __ ] about me burning the bacon on my food hack and I'm like, go ahead and give me [ __ ] My food hack [ __ ] abilities suck. And the only reason people watch and tune in to watch my videos is to watch me [ __ ] up and then lose my temper because I [ __ ] up. Because that's my autism. And I'm like, you know what? I want to control my autism. This is a minor setback. It happens to the best of us. I got the stove turned down low. So, you know, maybe we'll just [ __ ] sit here and, you know, processing at two minutes. [ __ ] you. I could just hear Chef Gordon Ramsey right now like, "You useless [ __ ] sack of [ __ ] [ __ ] die already. You're useless. You're a [ __ ] stupid wanker. You're a donut sandwich. You're a loser. You're a nobody. You try to act like you're so cool because you're King Cobra, you know, and you want to show off your cooking skills when like nobody's impressed. Like anybody can fry bacon and [ __ ] spam and butter spread and call it a meal. You're nothing special. You're just a [ __ ] stupid alcoholic who [ __ ] loves fatty food. And it'll be a miracle if Cobra doesn't have diabetes by the time he's 48. Like godamn. I'm like, "No, [ __ ] that. If I'm going to [ __ ] burn the bacon and I hate the fact that I burn the bacon, I'm going to tear my own [ __ ] a new one. And if everybody else wants to have fun with it, then go bloody ballistic. Like, oh yeah, Cobra's making another stupid [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] food hack. This will be fantastic. Let's burn the [ __ ] out of the bacon. The concept is there and as long as my recipe gets preserved, even though if I [ __ ] up and overcook the bacon, as long as my recipe gets preserved, then I'm not complaining. Even if people want to give me [ __ ] about it, like, who the [ __ ] trusted this [ __ ] to cook bacon? One second. I want to flip the spam. Here's That spam fresh off the stove. I'm going to give that a flip. Watch out. It's getting a little crispy on the other side here. I got too much more time. I don't want to like burn the [ __ ] out of this either, but I'll be watching this like a hawk. It's on a lower temperature. We got some fried spam action. I'm going to like turn that down to like a two. I'm turning the stove down to a goddamn two and letting that cook on a slower heat for the other side because it's pretty much on a simmer. Like Jesus Christ. I know like a lot of people love watching my videos just to watch me [ __ ] up and make a loser of myself because it makes them feel better about their own shitty life. And they could sit there and be like, "Oh, well, it's not even like that. We're just so super entertained by your videos." [ __ ] You can do with this. I'm sitting here like, "Fuck off." I'm sitting here like, you know, be really [ __ ] good to put maple fried spam and bacon on a [ __ ] breakfast sandwich just to burn the [ __ ] out of the bacon and make an ass of myself. It tastes like cheese and meat. Let's get over to this other side and get them cooked. Yep. It's like, oh, look at that. The video footage of Shelby watching that bacon like a flag hawk. Like I'm all I'm all excited to cook bacon for my [ __ ] food hack. It's pretty much like [ __ ] you. You burn the [ __ ] out of the bacon. Nice. Go in. You [ __ ] useless sack of [ __ ] [ __ ] Alcoholic autistic piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] loser. [ __ ] loser. It's what I am. I I embrace it. Like I don't I don't want any trauma with anyone. I hate sickos. I hate the trolls. I hate myself. And I hate sickos more than I hate myself. So I'm like, you know what? I'm just trying to live my life, you know? [ __ ] Okay, so part two just got uploaded. Fantastic. Oh, for [ __ ] sake. And I wasn't trying to [ __ ] overcook everything. Like sometimes when you're cooking and you're in a rush, you're not focusing. For me, it's like I want to make delicious food. I already know the food hack's going to taste like [ __ ] cuz I burnt the bacon. At this point, I'm only completing the [ __ ] food hack just to prove a point. But like I finished what I started, even if I [ __ ] up on it, stupid ass [ __ ] [ __ ] cobra. And you know, right now I want to hit myself repeatedly for burning the bacon, but that's not going to solve anything. That's just going to make me look like a mental case. So resist the urge. Deep breath. Cuz once I cooked the spam and the bacon, I was going to dump the grease from that pan into a bowl and let the bacon and the spam cool off. Then when I go to like Pour some cheese into that bowl full of grease that's cooled off and like bacon bits haha butter spread whatever all that grease from the everything I've cooked and the cheese would have congealed together for extra flavor. And I would have taken that melted bacon bit cheese and like drizzled it on top of the fried spam and like everything else that I put on the sandwich. Mental wound is not healing. And you know what? It's [ __ ] because now my whole house smells like [ __ ] bacon and fried spam and it smells delicious. And that just reminds me of how I [ __ ] up by overcooking the bacon. Like, nice going, you [ __ ] useless autistic wanker Aussie ripoff [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] Nice going, Cobra. Slow clap for you. One second. Let me check on the ingredients. This is just flat out [ __ ] embarrassing. Like, okay, you know, the the spam's a little burnt on the bottom, but like I'm checking both sides of it here. Not as bad as the bacon. My [ __ ] god, dude. Like, look what happens. I want to add fried spam and bacon to the sandwich. This was not part of my recipe. Burning the [ __ ] out of everything. Useless. I got it plated. I want to let this cool off a bit before I [ __ ] assemble my sandwich. And I'm like, you know what? It is what it is. I'm not letting the fried spam and the bacon go to waste. And even though the bacon's a little too crispy for my tastes and I realize I [ __ ] up and I'm a useless piece of [ __ ] and I don't deserve to be alive. I want to keep going for the people who care about me because apparently they care, you know. Jesus Christ, Josh, are you on your period? So melodramatic with everything. I'm like, "Fuck you." I take pride in my cooking. And then when I [ __ ] up, it makes me feel like a huge piece of [ __ ] Like, oh, look. All All you had to do was cook a little bit of [ __ ] bacon for like two sandwiches. Oh, you know what? I may end up cooking like two more slices in the grease of all those [ __ ] Yeah. Hold up. That's burnt to [ __ ] I hate wasting food. Let me see what I can do. Hold up. Oh my [ __ ] god. So, check this out, YouTube. I put like four more pieces in the pan like I did last time with a little bit of country croc. And I'mma watch these a little bit more closely so they don't burn. No sense in bitching about it if I can fix the problem. I'm like, "Well, just cook some more bacon and get over it. Let that be watching that like a hawk. And once I manage to fully cook the bacon properly and not like the stupid useless [ __ ] [ __ ] that I am, then I can put it into a [ __ ] bowl with the fried spam that I slightly overcooked. But nothing you can do about that. Just own it. I try to minimize the damage of how this recipe is going to taste. And if it still tastes like [ __ ] well then that's my own goddamn fault. Then maybe I should just stop making cooking videos. Cuz the only thing I'm good for on YouTube is getting drunk and acting a fool for everyone else's entertainment. There could be a slight chance that I'm being mellow a bit a bit melodramatic about it, but like when I burn the [ __ ] out of the bacon, it's like no. But I'm gonna watch that bacon like a hawk and I'll get back to you when it's fully cooked.